Parenting: Natural vs. Logical Consequences

Due to my experience working with children and their parents in a multitude of settings, I am often asked questions regarding discipline. In recent years, there has been an increase in brain studies or neuroscience and how it effects the development of children.

Child conscious parenting is coming to the forefront of popularity as parents strive to raise more emotionally stable people. I often explain to parents that they are not raising children -they are raising adults. By that I mean, your children need to be prepared to handle life once they become an adult. Many people of the “spare the rod, spoil the child” mentality often comment on how that is how they were raised and they turned out just fine. That may very well be true, however we also reap what we sow and the facts are that violence is on the rise.

With the advances in technology, kids, teens and young adults are being exposed to more physical, emotional and verbal violence and less problem solving skills. As a result, teens and young adults are putting out what they are taking in – violence.

I challenge the adults in children’s lives to teach them, rather that “punish” them. While this topic has many facets of conversation, I would like to focus on natural versus logical consequences.

Natural and Logical Consequences

Backed by numerous studies, natural and logical consequences are discipline/teaching techniques that have been taking the parenting community by storm. It focuses on teaching the child how real life works and that their actions have consequences- both positive and negative.

For instance, while a time out may help to control the child’s behavior, what connection does it have to breaking your sister’s doll? What does that teach in comparison to say… doing chores to earn the money to replace the doll? Or the child having to give their sister their own doll? These repercussions encourage the child to make the connection between their actions and the consequences. I imagine most parents would agree they would rather their children learn it that way instead of in their teenage years when they have to pay for their property destruction with community service. Or if it is anger regulation that is the issue, rather than putting them in “time-out” why not ask them to “take a break” before addressing the anger provoking situation again. This allows them a moment to feel the anger, breathe through it and eventually learn to approach the conflict in a more rational manner.

There are various ways in which to encourage the aforementioned life skills, some of the most popular are natural and logical consequences. Many of the parents I have worked with have heard these terms, but are rarely able to identify exactly what they mean.

A notable resource in this style is the book Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster W. Cline. However, below I am going to offer a quick reference between the two, in addition to, usable examples in real-life situations.

Logical Consequences

Arranged ahead of time
Usually arranged by parents
ALWAYS spoken with a calm demeanor
Some examples:
- If you do not eat dinner then you do not get dessert
- If you are 1/2 hour late for curfew this weekend, your curfew will be a 1/2 hour earlier next weekend

Natural Consequences

Follow the natural order of the universe
Are effective because they link the child with the reality of their behavior
Should not be used when
- It cannot be carried out (no follow through)
- It is detrimental
- It places the child in danger
- When voiced in an angry way
Some Examples:
- If the child wants to wear their bathing suit to school when it is snowing outside, allow them to do so (pack warm clothes), they will most likely change their mind really quick once they step outside.
- If the child chooses not to do their chores, then they do not get their allowance. Without their allowance they do not have money for weekend activities – this would require the parent to be committed to not giving the child any spending money beyond what they earned or paying for any activities or items that are not necessities (food, water, shelter, clothes, love, compassion, acceptance – these should NEVER be withheld for disciplinary purposes) and accepting the child’s decision not to do their chores.

Would you like more help?

While hitting the main points, obviously this blog merely scratches the surface. If you would like to discuss this further or if you have other parenting inquires you would like me to address, please feel free to contact me and set up a consultation at 704-507-0158 or Ashley.errico@gmail.com

Additionally, I offer a 3-4 hour parenting workshop entitled Big Feelings, Little Kids that is suitable for teachers, caregivers, day care centers, parents, church groups, brownie troop leaders etc. Please contact me to book the workshop today! For more information click here.

September 19, 2014September 21, 2014

Introverts Vs. Extroverts

This topic seems to have come up a lot recently in my life, therefore I thought it might be something of interest to you. Introverts and extroverts are two very different types of people, neither of which are better than the other. Introversion and extroversion is all about the transfer of energy – the circumstances in which it is renewed and the situations that drain it.

Introversion

The common misconception about introverts is that they are shy, which may or may not be true. Shyness really has nothing to do with it. By nature, introverts renew their energy or “recharge” when alone. Large groups of people can be overwhelming and draining for most introverts.

About health explains that:

Introverts are more concerned with the inner world of the mind. They enjoy thinking, exploring their thoughts and feelings. They often avoid social situations because being around people drains their energy. This is true even if they have good social skills. After being with people for any length of time, such as at a party, they need time alone to “recharge.”

Being an introvert myself, I can attest to the fact that, while I do not dislike being around people, I do have to be aware of my mind and body when in busier environments (ie: grocery stores, malls, family gatherings, parties etc). Often times when I have my day planned back to back without any room for a few minutes of “alone time” I find myself getting easily irritated, snappy, exhausted and loosing my normal amount of patience. The United States tends to be an extrovert oriented country. Therefore, it is important for those introverts out there to be aware of their need to have time alone and accommodate for it, even if it is just means being alone for a half an hour car ride. This “me” time is a requirement in order for you to be your best self for your friends, family and colleagues.

Extroversion

The definition of an extrovert would be the exact opposite of the introvert. Extroverts tend to gain energy from others and being alone can often cause them to be more low energy, getting easily bored and antsy.

According to About Health:

Extroverts tend to “fade” when alone and can easily become bored without other people around. When given the chance, an extrovert will talk with someone else rather than sit alone and think. In fact, extroverts tend to think as they speak, unlike introverts who are far more likely to think before they speak. Extroverts often think best when they are talking. Concepts just don’t seem real to them unless they can talk about them; reflecting on them isn’t enough.

Extroverts tend to be more outgoing, love social situations, like to talk through difficult situations and get energized when going from being one on one to a group. It is a visible, palpable change.

Have you ever noticed that when you are particularly down that you automatically call up a group of friends and immediately feel you mood lifting? You may be an extrovert.

Introverts and extroverts together

Often times, this can be a struggle but a good balance. It is difficult for the extrovert to understand the introvert’s desire to be at home on a Friday night rather than at a club or party. In reverse, introverts often find it hard to keep up with their extrovert friends and their desire to get out and “do”.

Any relationship between extroverts and introverts is going to be a struggle and it is important to be aware of the opposite individuals natural preferences and needs. However, the combination between the two can create a beautiful friendship. Extroverts can often help introverts open up to new things and in exchange introverts can help extroverts see the benefits of alone time.

Ambiversion

While the existence of ambiversion it debatable with some, it is worth mentioning because, as is life – things are rarely black and white.

For those who would like a more in depth look at this personality type, the article Ambiversion: The Lost Personality Type, presents a strong argument toward not only the existence of Ambiversion, but also, allows “for the possibility that the majority of the population are in fact Ambiverts.” As technology advances, travel becomes easier and interactions with others is more accessible. The distinct lines between introversion and extroversion seem to become more blurry, increasing the size of this grey area some call ambiversion.

Dictionary.com defines an ambivert as a:

“person exhibiting features of an extrovert and an introvert,” coined by Kimball Young in “Source Book for Social Psychology” (1927), from ambi- “about, around” + Latin vertere, as in introvert.

This individual can be described as someone who can easily thrive in large groups or in a high stimulus environment, while also equally relishing in their time at home alone with a good book.

Which are you?

Not sure which personality type you would be? Try taking the quiz to find out!

September 5, 2014September 5, 2014

Trauma Changes the Brain

Did you know…

Did you know that continual exposure to trauma, particularly during the developmental stages, can actually re-structure your brain?

There are two types of trauma, the single incident traumas (ie: car accidents, natural disasters, witness of a shooting, loss of a loved one, sexual assault etc) and there is continual and on-going trauma (ie: sexual abuse, domestic violence, emotional and verbal abuse, prisoners of war, long and/or life threatening illness etc).

Single Incident Trauma

As aforementioned, single incident traumas include traumatic events, both major and minor , that occur only one time. These traumatic events can have a great impact on how individuals approach their everyday life possibly being inhibited by flashbacks, unrealistic fears, lack of trust etc. This is normal, your brain is doing exactly what it should do in these cases – recalling the incident and trying to avoid the re-occurrence of it.

While single incident traumas can be major life altering experiences; given proper interventions, time to grieve and the room to process the incident effects should dissipate over time in most cases. If you have experienced a single incident trauma please seek out counseling – this could expedite the healing process.

Continual On-Going Trauma

This is the type of trauma that I tend to work with most often. When a person experiences on-going trauma over a long period of time it can physically re-structure how the brain operates. This is especially true in individuals who had on-going trauma as children when their brain was first developing. When not treated this restructuring will continue to be reinforced well into adulthood.

The normal brain takes in information from all senses and has it pass through the logical part (Prefrontal Cortex)of the brain which helps it decide if their is a threat. The information is then sent to the emotional part of the brain (Amygdala) to help determine a response. If it was a single incident trauma your brain will respond with appropriate feelings of fear, sadness, anxiety etc. which helps the individual decide how to best handle the situation.

However, if the individual’s brain was trained over long periods of time to be on high alert at all times, then the brain will have a tendency to skip the logical part and go straight to the emotional part and stay there. This process is helpful when a person is required to react quickly to a danger ie: being chased by a saber tooth tiger, there is no thinking – just RUN! This part of the brain was developed during a time when saber-tooth tiger encounters were relatively common – now….not so much.

This process is not so helpful when the sound of a door closing sets the body into panic mode requiring your body to constantly pump cortisol in the system causing the individual to always be on edge- always “waiting for the ball to drop”. Hyper vigilance is a possible by-product of a “trauma brain”.

The trauma brain also makes it incredibly difficult for an individual to regulate their own emotions. This lack of self-regulation is most evident in children, those children are the ones whose systems are unable to tolerate small disappointments such as being asked to do a chore or not getting a requested snack. These little disappointments cause an immediate tailspin of emotion similar to that of a toddler, which may indicate that as the age of development in which the trauma began. (Click HERE to hear more about how trauma effects children)

Numbness

Think, for a moment, of the brain as a muscle and once that muscle is strengthened enough it becomes difficult to reverse. Therefore, the brain that has been built up with the automatic trauma response may have done so often enough that the body simply “turns off” or “goes numb” in response. This is the most visible sign of prolonged childhood trauma in adults. This numbness or dissociation is a defense mechanism that is developed by the brain to help protect the individual from further trauma – the brain checks out.

The body dissociates because the reality or truth is too difficult for the individual to handle. However, in a case when the individual is in a constant state of hyper-arousal they shut down and become distant, numb, ambivalent to situations that would cause more reaction or feeling of others. Dissociation can also account for the reason why an individual may have been severely traumatized in childhood but not remember it until adulthood – this is called suppression. Prior to that moment it may not have been safe enough to recall it.

Other Symptoms

www.Helpguide.org sites emotional, psychological and physical symptoms of trauma:

Emotional and psychological symptoms of trauma:

Shock, denial, or disbelief
Anger, irritability, mood swings
Guilt, shame, self-blame
Feeling sad or hopeless

Confusion, difficulty concentrating
Anxiety and fear
Withdrawing from others
Feeling disconnected or numb

Physical symptoms of trauma:

Insomnia or nightmares
Being startled easily
Racing heartbeat
Aches and pains

Fatigue
Difficulty concentrating
Edginess and agitation
Muscle tension

Neurobiology of the Brain

Dr. David Lisak explains the process of reaction the brain goes through after trauma and the traumatized individual’s outward symptomology in this well put together video.

Counseling

Returning once again to the brain as a muscle analogy, let’s talk a little about how to reverse that process. In an individual who is struggling with the brain re-structuring of trauma, the information that is taken in through your senses automatically bypasses the logic and goes straight to the amygdala or the “fight, flight, or freeze” response. Counselors trained in trauma sensitive techniques can help you to “re-wire” the brain, so to speak. Counseling can help strengthen the muscle that sends messages through the frontal lobes or logical parts of the brain; increasing the individual’s ability calm down after a state of hyper-arousal and increase their emotional tolerance levels.

If you suspect you or someone you know has been effected by trauma I strongly suggest you seek out help from your doctor, a counselor or psychiatrist.

August 29, 2014August 29, 2014

Yours, Mine and Ours: Blended Families

While the 1968 Lucille Ball film, like the Brady Bunch, was more of an anomaly rather than the rule for their time, blended families are becoming increasingly common. With nearly 50% of all first time marriages ending in divorce, The Bonded Family states that 2,100 blended families are formed in the United States EVERY DAY!! For the first time in history the blended family forms between 1/3 and 1/2 of all families in the United States today, bringing with it equally matched joys and challenges.

What is a Blended Family?

By definition a blended family is a couple and their children from any previous relationships – even if the children only visit part of the time.

The Adults

As the adults in the blended family it is your responsibility to lead the family in a positive and supportive direction. For instance, presenting a united front is key. The “leaders” of the family need to be on the same page or else you are leaving yourself open for attack (most likely from the teenagers). The kids WILL test your limits, play the parents against each other and try the dreaded “You are not my mom/dad so I don’t have to listen to you”. The best way to combat these inevitable challenges is for you and your partner to be on the same page.

Additionally, this provides a sense of safety, predictability and stability to an otherwise overwhelming and, at times, chaotic situation. This being said, that does not mean you have to agree on everything, that is impossible. Many times it is healthy for parents to model appropriate ways to handle conflict and disagreements. However, when it comes to major decisions it is important that you work together to make them, be consistent with discipline techniques and do not undermine your partner’s authority.

Secondly, make time to nurture the adult relationships. You are partners in crime and it is important that you never lose site of the reasons you created this chaotic, confusing, unique, at times trying, loving, resilient and wonderful amalgamation. According to Rebuilding Families 50% of remarriages end in divorce within the first five years. The way to combat that statistic is to make your relationship, like the kids, a priority. As with any family, once the kids are grown up and gone it will just be the two of you, why not make sure you still like each other when that time comes around.

Additionally, as the adults of the family you are who the kids model their behavior after, measure their relationships by, and learn how to compromise from. If you nurture the relationship between the two of you, your kids will see that love comes in many forms (not just between a parent and a child). They will learn to respect that mommy’s and daddy’s are important too and they will thrive in an environment created by joy rather than tension or distance.

The Kids

As adults you know how difficult it is to make a blended family work. While it does seem to be an easier transition for younger children, I would like you to put yourself in your children’s shoes. They have smaller bodies and yes they have less life experiences – but they have the same size feelings as you do. They are often confused, frustrated that their life seems to be out of their control and they could feel lost in the shuffle. They feel loyal to their father/mother (the parent not included in the blended family) and can feel that liking and especially LOVING their step-parent would be some level of betrayal. Additionally, the reverse could be true – if they want to be close with their step-parent they feel it necessary to reject the birth parent. There will most likely be times they will “hate you” and tell you that you “ruined their life”. Please remember they are angry and most likely do not hate you and I imagine that your decisions were made with their lives largely in mind, therefore you did not “ruin it”.

As a parent you do not have to agree with your kids’ feelings, nor are they asking you to. They just want to feel heard and considered. I encourage you to make the conscious effort to spend a little alone time with each kid at least once month if possible. This will help them to know that they did not lose you, that you are still there for them, that you want to know how they feel and that you still love them and love being with them as the unique human beings they are. This one-on-one time, though difficult to find time for, will make all the difference when it comes to making a smooth transition.

Counseling

Counseling can be a huge help during major life changes. While counselors are trained to handle crisis intervention, our main goal is wellness and prevention. If you can get the support before the crisis then you and your family will be better prepared when a challenge occurs. During huge life changes, such as the merging of families, it is important that everyone feels heard and supported in order to ensure the most success. In an ideal world every person in the family would have their own individual counselor (kids included), in addition to family therapy and the adults would go to couples counseling. However, at a minimum I would suggest family therapy and couple counseling if possible. It is OK to ask for help, you do not have to be super hero – blended families are hard. You are not alone.

Benefits

While there are many issues that confront blended families there can be some huge benefits as well. The family learns tolerance, acceptance and appreciate of differences, interpersonal communication, problem solving and flexibility. At the end of the day it is about the love within the family and the desire and determination to make it work.

August 21, 2014August 22, 2014

I Just Want to Sleep!!

I have had a difficult time going and staying asleep for most of my life. I remember waking up in the middle of the night when I was as young as grade school and reading by flashlight at 3 in the morning. I don’t know about you, but I often take 1-2 hours just to calm down from the day and actually FALL asleep. THEN, I’m waking up 3, 4, sometimes as many as 6 times in one night! I have to use the restroom, let my dog out, get some water etc.

As a result, I have tried a multitude of “sleep remedies”. Some suggestions have worked and some have not, despite the guarantees of others. Each individual body is different and therefore, reacts differently – it is a bit of a trial and error process.

While not all have worked for me, they may work for you. So in this blog I thought I would share some of the many sleep tips I have been given throughout the years and hopefully you will find one, or a combination of a few, that work for you.

10 Remedies for sleep

The most common “go to” is sleep aids, both prescribed and over the counter. However, if you feel you would like to try more natural remedies before going the medication route:
Meditate – the benefits of meditation for your mental and overall physical health have been proven over and over again. Here is just one of the MANY videos you can find on You Tube to help you meditate to induce a restful sleep. Sleep Meditation Instruction Video
Breathing exercises – This is something I teach even my youngest clients. Breath in through your nose for 3 second then out through your mouth for 3 seconds, then in on 3 out on 5, 7, and 10. This deep breathing should help calm your nervous system and get your body ready for sleep.
Muscle Relaxation – Tighten every muscle in your body then release each part one by one until your body is fully relaxed
5-4-3 Think of 5 things you see, 5 things you hear and 5 things you feel in your body. Then think of 4 things you see, hear and feel. And finally 3 things you see, hear and feel.
Count backwards from 100 correlating each breath with each count (this goes along with the old counting sheep trick).
There are a variety of natural supplements that are supposed to help you sleep. Some of which include Melatonin, Magnesium, Ashwagandha Root, and Wild-Lettuce. CLICK HERE for more details on how best to use these supplements.
Take a warm bath to help relax your body
Drink warm milk before bed (this is one my dad would have me do as a child)
Burn lavender scented candles, incense (use these BEFORE falling asleep so as not to cause a fire) or use lavender scented linen spray

I hope this helps! Please feel free to add any others you may have tried in the comment box. I am always looking for new ones to try and I am sure other readers would appreciate it as well! Sleep Well!

August 14, 2014August 14, 2014

Are You in a Toxic Workplace?

Every workplace has its own struggles and stressors, however when it goes beyond stress into toxicity more than your work suffers.

Physical Health

When working in a toxic work environment for a prolonged amount of time it can contribute to serious health repercussions. Some of the physical health concerns could include:

Panic attacks
Irregular menstrual cycles
Insomnia or waking up multiple times throughout the night
Nightmares
Ulcers
Adrenal Fatigue
Weight Gain
Weight Loss
High Blood-Pressure
Increase in addictive behaviors (ie: smoking)
Musculoskeletal problems
Autoimmune diseases
Cardiovascular disease
Cancer

The list goes on and on

Emotional/Mental Health

In addition to physical health, your mental health can suffer as well. Some mental health struggles that could be caused or contributed to by a toxic workplace include:

Anxiety
Depression
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (yes, toxic work environments CAN contribute to PTSD – even if you are not in the military)
Hyper vigilance
Low Self-esteem
Hopelessness
Lack in work-life balance
Again, the list goes on and on

Is YOUR Work Environment Toxic?

Below is a list of 10 signs that your workplace is toxic as provided by the Inner Medicine Publishing website.

1. Chronic High Stress – The work is intense on a fairly ongoing basis with few periods of “downtime” to recover. Or, there is a culture of fear or bullying that contributes to chronic high stress.

2. Low Morale – You and many other employees are in a bad mood frequently. There’s little enthusiasm or joy.

3. Lack of Work-Life Balance – The organization wants to own you. You regularly work more than 40 hours per week and work cuts into your other commitments. You’re forced to choose between having a life and having your job. Your employer really doesn’t view you as a human being but as a factor of productivity.

4. Increased Physical and Emotional Illness – You and your coworkers develop stress-related physical and/or emotional illnesses. These illnesses can run the gamut from musculoskeletal problems, gastrointestinal upsets, anxiety and depression, to autoimmune diseases, cardiovascular disease, and even cancer.

5. Unrealistic Expectations – You’re put in a situation that sets you up to fail and burn out. The workload and expectations are unreasonable for one human being, but nobody seems to care.

6. Lack of Loyalty – On your first day at work, you sign an at-will employment contract that gives the organization the right to fire you at any time for any reason. You’ve effectively just been told that you don’t have a permanent relationship with your employer, which sets the stage for a relationship built on lack of loyalty and trust.

7. Immature Leadership – Toxic workplaces are fueled by immature, dysfunctional leaders. Such leaders share some of the following characteristics:

Coldness and emotional distance or, excessive emotionality and reactivity
Unreasonable expectations for productivity and goals
Conflict avoidance
Unwillingness to listen to others
Lack of empathy and support – i.e. – expects employees to come to work even when ill
Poor communication
High aggression, intimidation or bullying – instilling fear in others
Lack of morality – the leader’s or organization’s goals are sought at the expense of human welfare and decency
Hypocritical – doesn’t walk the talk, for example- says he or she embraces “teamwork,” “good communication,” “trust,” etc but displays behavior that contradicts his or her talk.

8. Pervasive Poor Communication – You don’t get much feedback on your performance, you get only negative feedback, or you’re left out of the loop and don’t know what’s going on.

9. Scapegoating – Mistakes are explained by blaming others. Employees are belittled; high performers are criticized for incompetence, and employees that leave are blamed for poor performance. Bullying leaders are tolerated and even admired. The Human Resource Department may even be intimidated by the bully or lacks expertise on how to deal with the situation.

10. Dysfunctional Relationships – There are widespread dysfunctional dynamics such as:

Cliquishness, “insiders and outsiders” rather than unification and teamwork
Favoritism
Insincere communication
Long-term grudge-holding
Back-biting and pitting coworkers against each other
Criticizing others before asking questions

I Think I Have a Toxic Workplace – What Do I Do?

If you can identify with one or more of the aforementioned signs my advice would be to QUIT now! You don’t deserve to be treated that way just to make ends meet.

BUT, I do recognize that this may not always be a realistic option for everyone. Therefore, here are a few ideas that may be help until you CAN quit (preferably ASAP).

BOUNDARIES – This may be the most important and the most difficult to achieve. You need to create boundaries that help you to remember that there is life outside of your job. For example: Decide on a specific time that you are going to leave work, and leave – no matter what!
Self-care – It is important to remember to pay attention to what you body needs, physically and emotionally. Especially since toxic jobs tend to “suck the life out of you”.
Sleep at least 6-8 hours a night
See a therapist, having a neutral party that can give you that extra support is priceless!
Surround yourself with compassionate people who have the patience to listen to all of your work horror stories and then give you a great big hug!

August 7, 2014August 7, 2014

Sexual Abuse- A Silent Epidemic

Trap the child in a coat of armor.
Protect her from the one who harms her.
Hide her terror, her shame, her fears.
Smother the anger, absorb the tears.

Keep the child inside her still.
Suffocate her childhood will.
Before she’s ready make her be
a child with adult responsibility.

Little grown-up carries the weight
of mother’s inadequacy, father’s hate.
Short blonde ponytails perfectly deceive;
others see only what they want to believe.

Childhood tragedy: the child torn away,
stripped of careless, frivolous play.
Replaced by demands of distorted lives,
too many years and the freedom dies.

Locked in her armor, tightly secured,
her role in the family no longer obscure.
Little-girl adult diligently tries
to keep the balance in a family of lies.

Trap the child in a coat of armor.
Protect her from the one who harms her.
Hide her terror, her shame, her fears.
Smother the anger, absorb the tears.

This poem is an excerpt from the book Ancient Child: Poetry about Incest written by Marcella Bryant who experienced horrific sexual abuse at the hands of her father and ignored by her mother.

So what happens to the adult survivor of childhood abuse when untreated?

Counseling Today: An American Counseling Association Publication (July 2014, volume 57/ Number 1) explains that the results of over 50 studies indicate a direct correlation between adult survivors of childhood abuse and many physical health conditions including heart disease, obesity, cancer, chronic obstructive pulmonary disease and liver disease. These individuals also demonstrate increased struggles with depression, anxiety, suicidality and many other mental health issues.

Sexual abuse is an epidemic that has no biases

While sexual abuse is most common in children, they are not the only victims. The American Psychological Association defines sexual abuse as an

” unwanted sexual activity, with perpetrators using force, making threats or taking advantage of victims not able to give consent. Most victims and perpetrators know each other. Immediate reactions to sexual abuse include shock, fear or disbelief. Long-term symptoms include anxiety, fear or post-traumatic stress disorder.” (http://www.apa.org/topics/sexual-abuse/index.aspx)

Sexual Abuse effects children, college students, married women, company executives and everything in between. Due to the stigma and shame surrounding it, sexual abuse is severely underreported. Victims often go years, if at all, before they break their silence and get help. The purpose of this blog is not only to create awareness and conversation around this topic, but also to encourage those personally affected by sexual abuse to get help. Regardless of how long ago the incidents occurred, untreated, the painful memories could continue to echo far into the future and/or have a serious impact on your physical health as well.

The effects do not have to last for the rest of your life

The good news is, research has shown therapeutic interventions can help prevent long-term, chronic psychological consequences. If you or someone you know has been effected by sexual abuse I encourage you to get help today. It is NOT your fault – no ALWAYS means NO!

To those of you who have been fortunate enough not to have been a victim of sexual abuse – the good news is you have the ability to help heal survivors by showing them love and compassion. You also have the ability to contribute to the reason that victims often suffer in silence by victim blaming. Which do you choose?

–

National Sexual Assault Hotline : 1-800-656-HOPE

July 30, 2014July 30, 2014

Don’t confuse these tears with weakness! I’m crying because I’m FURIOUS!

“DON’T YOU DARE LAUGH AT MY CRYING!”

This quote is my own, during one of the few times in my life I can say with complete certainty – I LOST IT! After 6 hours of waiting for a road side service company to show up to replace my car battery, when this man started with a plethora of excuses as to why he could not or did not want to change my car battery – my anger went through the roof. As I was very “passionately” explaining to this man my thoughts on how his company has treated me for hours, I burst into tears and…he laughed! As you can imagine the next few moments were not my most attractive.

While this was not one of my most graceful moments, it did get me thinking about why I was crying. I was certainly not sad, I was FURIOUS!! As I later shared this story with my female friends, many were able to empathize with my anger and follow with a story about a similar experience. I also noticed that when I told my male friends, they laughed. Was this situation really THAT un-relatable to men? This got me thinking …

Why do women tend to cry when we get to the point of overwhelming anger?

I began to do some research and contemplate the potential explanations. A phrase came to mind that I have heard a counselor friend of mine repeat multiple times, “When under stress, we regress”. Therefore, when we reach a point where the feelings become too overwhelming or intense we regress to a time in life when our only means of expression was through tears and tantrums.

A quick lesson in biology:

The front part of the human brain, also known as the prefrontal cortex, is the most evolved part of the brain and is responsible for all logical thoughts and reasoning.

Unfortunately, that part of the brain stops working or goes “offline” when we have passed our level of frustration tolerance. Leaving us to regress back to a time when, due to lack of language, crying was our only means of expressing discontent. Crying was how we communicated our unhappiness.

Then why does it seem like it is mostly women who cry when angry?

While there is not definitive answer to this question, the most common response I hear is that society allows women to be more vulnerable and emotionally expressive than men. Boys are constantly being told to “be a man” and “don’t be cry baby”.

Another theory is that it has to do with a little hormone known as Prolactin. Prolactin is found in blood, sweat and tears. Up until puberty, boys and girls have similar levels of Prolactin. However after puberty women’s bodies have up to 60% more than men. Women’s Health Magazine explains that Prolactin levels, “increase in women during puberty, menstruation, pregnancy, and breastfeeding, as well as when we’re under stress.”

These are just two of many possible answers to this question. I invite you to comment on this post below – what are your thoughts? Do you have a similar story of a time when you were so angry you cried? How did the people around you react?

References:

http://www.womenshealthmag.com/life/emotional-health-guide?page=1

July 24, 2014July 24, 2014

Sociopaths Among Us

Did you know that sociopaths make up 4% of the United States population?

That is one in every 25 people. I recently read the book The Sociopath Next Door by Martha Stout, Ph.D. which has stuck with me ever since. So, I decided to share some with all of you.

When thinking about a person with sociopathology or psychopathology, also known as an individual with Anti-Social Personality Disorder, most of us imagine a serial killer in a Lifetime movie. The reality is they are all around us. They hide in plain sight. They are the CEO’s, that one parent in the PTA, that not-so-nice next door neighbor, they are people like you and me – except without any ability to feel guilt. That is not to say that there are not ALSO anti-social criminals, particularly when considering some of the more gruesome and despicable crimes that the conscience-bound find unfathomable. However, the reality is, there is a higher percentage of sociopaths in positions of power than there are in prisons.

The first few sentences in the introduction of Dr. Stouts, The Sociopath Next Door give a pretty clear picture of what constitutes a sociopath,

“Imagine-if you can- not having a conscience, none at all, no feelings of guilt or remorse not matter what you do, no limiting sense of concern for the well being of strangers, friends, or even family members. Imagine no struggles with shame, not a single one in your whole life, no matter what kind of selfish, lazy, harmful, or immoral action you had taken”

Just the thought of that send chills down my spine, especially when you add the fact that they often use the feelings of others as a tool to manipulate and control. These individuals thrive on being the controller of expansive mind games using those around them as the unknowing pawns.

“But they are SO NICE!!”

Sociopaths often have an alluring charm about them that pulls you in and makes it easier for you to dismiss and forgive even their most sadistic behaviors.

So, how do we know who to trust?

The long and short of it is, you don’t know for sure. However, the good thing is 96% of the United States population is conscience-bound and generally have good intentions. Some exceptions are those individuals who are suffering from psychotic delusion, extreme rage, inescapable deprivation, drugs, or a destructive authority figure.

In reference to the shameless, Stout explains:

“…the best clue is, of all things, the pity play. The most reliable sign, the most universal behavior of unscrupulous people is not directed, as one might imagine, at our fearfulness. It is, perversely, an appeal to our sympathy.”

Who do YOU know?

It is safe to say that just about everyone has come in contact with SOMEONE with Anti-Social Personality Disorder in their life. Thinking back, I can point out 2 people who I have encountered that may have had this disorder. It’s a scary thought.

The lesson takeaway

Knowing all these things, it is easy to become overly concerned with the 4%, rather than recognize and embrace the 96%. My advice when entering new relationships: expect kindness, but allow others to build your trust. Be leery of those who are quick to appeal to your sympathies and you will be less likely to fall prey to the destruction left behind by the anti-social personalities.

References:

Stout, M., Ph.D. (2006) The Sociopath Next Door. New York, NY: Random House.

July 19, 2014July 19, 2014

Mental Illness – It Isn’t Any Less Real

Have you ever considered how absurd it would be if people addressed physical illness with the same insensitivity as mental illness is often addressed?

I have come across this picture a few times and I love it more and more every time and felt like it was worth sharing with all of you.

It is important that we approach depression or anxiety with as much empathy and compassion as we would someone who is diabetic or has the flu. Mental illness isn’t any less real than physical illness, its just harder to see.

Living with a disease is hard enough, then adding the pressure of others who seem to think “If you can’t see it, then it can’t be that bad” or “They are over-exaggerating” or “They are just acting that way for attention” can put people over the top. In the same respect, one kind word, genuine hug or expression of concern can also make all the difference. I challenge everyone this week to think before they judge and smile before they criticize because you don’t know who’s life you could be changing – for the better.

Where the Healing Begins

Ashley Errico,
MA, NCC, LPC
Errico Counseling Services, LLC

Author: Ashley Errico

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Then why does it seem like it is mostly women who cry when angry?

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Mental Illness – It Isn’t Any Less Real

Have you ever considered how absurd it would be if people addressed physical illness with the same insensitivity as mental illness is often addressed?